Tablescaping 101: make me swoon, make me hungry
a systematic review of tastemakers from the Dutch Masters, Vogue, and TikTok.
Dear reader,
This fall, in an attempt to find more hobbies, I decided to learn how to draw. This has resulted in a 6th-grade-level excitement about craft supplies, surprise encounters with a rotation of flaccid penises and a teacher who insisted on drawing me (creepy?), and an appreciation for one of artists’ favorite subjects — the food tableau.
Still lifes, once a form to celebrate life and virtue, are now a way to demonstrate that you are more creative (and had a better wedding registry) than all your friends. Before your next party, however, I ask you to consider: what do I really need to make this tablescape a smashing success?
Now that you know what you need, let’s set the table.
1. Opulent Buffet
Make sure guests can create the plate(s) of their dreams—and don’t feel pressured to get anything else. Take yours to the next level (Athena Calderone’s spread makes me swoon):
Build a tower: add more vertical height with a tower of whatever strikes your fancy — cornichons, chips, biscuits, or even a croquembouche. Prioritize structural integrity and hand washing when attempting.
Mismatch platters and utensils: it’s improbable that you, unlike my mother-in-law, have full sets of china for every occasion (including a fish-themed holiday?). Mix and match platters (silver! ceramics! random finds from goodwill!), dishes, even a salt block.
Place the salad at the end: there’s no need to nudge everyone to have salad. If they want it, they can put it on top.
2. On-Table Spread
A space-conscious and traditional, yet potentially messy, layout.
Clear the skies: prevent spills, fires, and other mishaps with stemless glassware, low candles, and paper products. Just try passing the mashed potatoes around Romilly Newman’s 2ft candles, I dare you.
Designate a meat server: the carver is a lauded position, but don’t forget to tap a someone to serve portions of the main (ideally someone comfortable with an extended isometric hold).
Select decorative gourds or other stunted flora wisely: while cute for the ‘gram, individual bud vases, tree branches, and confetti are not designed for feasting (sorry, can’t see you around these pumpkins). We had a gravy in a garland incident last year that I cannot unsee.
And, for the love of God and introverts, please assign seats.
Other Stuff & Things
Wonder acquires GrubHub: Wonder enables couples who cannot agree on where to go for dinner to order multiple cuisines at once from the comfort of their couch. I’d love to hear from restaurant owners (and couples therapists) about how this is impacting their business.
Bowery Farming shuts down: The latest in a string of food startup darlings to close. I’m genuinely sad to see them go — I liked their butter lettuce — and it’s another example of a VC-backed startup in the ag space that failed to scale like a tech company.
Iota x Oishii collab: It’s giving Bath & Bodyworks? jk I would love to slather myself in these $11 berries.
San Pellegrino x Stanley Tucci collab: An easy way to build the aforementioned tower. But does it come with water?
Recent Eats
A new section on things I’ve made and how I feel about them. Featuring a lot of quince from my work with Corbin Hill Food Project:
Almond Cake with Poached Quince [Food52, Spruce Eats]: I’ve made this base cake three times in as many months. Make it with pears, quince, or other stone fruit.
Lamb Neck with Quince and Turnip [Jennifer McLagan, Odd Bits]: One of my favorite cuts for an unctuous and flavorful braise without much effort (and only ~$5 per pound). This dish balances fruity and gamey notes well, but is not for everyone. I’ll add some spice next time.
Lively Run Dairy’s Sheldrake Moon with quince paste: For $1 an ounce, I will buy again.
I will be avoiding setting the table (and sending this email) by stuffing my face in Mexico City for the next week!
#thankful 4 u,
Sophia
The Gravy in the Garland Incident of 2023
Note to self: must acquire fish-themed holiday cutlery set